Not Talking About Suicidal Thoughts

graffiti of girl hung by a red ballonSo, right now, I am suicidal. But, I don’t want to be one of those people who talks about being suicidal. Because, people think those people are drama queens, right? Just out for attention. So…what do I do? Well, I do what I usually do, which is stay quiet. I don’t wanna burden people. I don’t want to scare people. I have a desperate need to talk to someone right this minute, and yet, I refuse to be one of those people who cry ‘suicide’, even if it’s true that I am thinking about it right this very minute. But, will staying silent help? Not likely. I can’t handle this alone. That’s the problem. I don’t want to be one of those people who says nothing. But I don’t want to be one of those people who talks about it either. Where does that leave me?  Continue reading

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My Changing (A)Sexuality

Scrabble letters spelling out the word 'sex'Sex is Amerikkka’s favorite topic, barely edging out the Kardashians. It is used to sell products, capture attention, and to shock. It is even used in politics. For such a prudish country, we talk about sex an awful lot. Despite this ever-present fact, I don’t tend to talk about my own sexuality, or sex life much. Today, however, we are gonna talk sexuality and sex. Specifically, how my Hormone Replacement Therapy has changed my sexuality over the past year. Continue reading

Are Support Groups Supposed to Be This Scary?

SupportSo, today I plan to go to my first ever in-the-flesh trans support group. I am terrified. Yup, completely and totally drowning in fear. I am unsure if this is some quirk of being me, or if this is normal, but given how this feels right now, I am unsure how often most people would attend a support group. I mean, the idea is ‘support’, not ‘heart attack opportunity’, yes?  Continue reading

Can’t Brain Today, I has the Dumb

Woman sitting by the water ponderingAfter taking part in the Intensive Outpatient Program, or IOP, last year, I was put on an additional medication. I continue to take my Effexor, but the doctors added Abilify to my daily regimen. This had the desired effect of lessening my depression somewhat. More importantly, it stopped my suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, it also had the undesired effect of making it desperately hard to concentrate for any length of time. Continue reading

Understanding the Terms ‘Cis’ and ‘Trans’

So, today is now officially Education Wednesday. And our lesson today is on the origin and usage of the words ‘Cis’ and ‘Trans’. You may ask why such a simple lesson is needed, but sadly many cisgender people do not understand the terms and often even object to being called ‘cisgender’. Some even go so far as to call ‘Cis’ a made up word. Which is about as far from the facts as you can get. Thus, some education is required. Continue reading

Let’s Talk About Guilt

Young Girl in dark roomI don’t think I will surprise anyone when I saw that victim blaming and shaming is a thing in modern western society. We hear about it all the time. Mostly surrounding victims of rape and sexual assault, where the effects of shaming and blaming can be particularly harmful. But, the practice of victim blaming goes far beyond merely sexual assault and abuse victims. It is rampant in society. One of many areas where it goes largely unnoticed and unremarked upon is around those with invisible illnesses. And where victim blaming and shaming goes, guilt and self-hatred soon follow. Continue reading

Zoé is Still Here: Update on Life

Woman in white dress dancing against orange backgroundI have been pretty quiet the past few months. I would love to report that my absence was due to finding a cure for Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. I would love to tell you I have been too happy enjoying life to come here and blog about my illnesses for you. Sadly, I can’t say any of that. Things have been rather rough. Continue reading

A Loss of Words

woman with back turnedQuiet yearning for words lost, escaped, submerged in a sea of emotions gone silent from the pressure of fathomless depths. Taken by darkness and consumed letter by choking letter, my words are lost in the violent crush of a hunger so vast, so unspeakable it is surrounded by a complete, deathly silence; an event horizon where the unuttered thoughts of my head churn and moan in infinite quiet longing for release. Contained, restrained, they stumble against one another in the blackness of incomprehension.

In my silent pain, I mourn not the inner child that weeps in the filth of my guilt, but rather the excruciating loss of words with which to comfort her through an aching spoken to the world; letters tumbling out of a mouth tainted by lies taught and learned. Solace is not offered. Quiet prevails in a place where the mind repeats the grief and trauma of childhood, again and again, endless and unabated. The words of escape are silent. The child wails in desperation, the wounds of her ravaged soul unseen and unremarked.


Photo credit: josemanuelerre via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

My Vote is Sexist, and Here is Why

Ballot

Let me just state up front, that I am a far left liberal. Some would even style me a radical. Honestly, I am fine with that label. My views are not popular in the wider society of Amerikkka today, nor are they likely to ever be popular here. As a far left radical liberal, most people would expect me to be voting for Bernie Sanders as the Democratic nominee for President in 2016. They would be wrong. I have always planned to place my vote for Hillary Clinton, and the reason is entirely sexist. Continue reading